Wednesday, 12 November 2014

'I Can Change Him Syndrome'

The ‘I can change him’ syndrome occurs when a woman focuses all of her energies on fixing anything she deems to be incorrect about her man. So basically, like a house, you renovate your man and if you’re lucky, you get to hold onto him, but sometimes that man may just get cocky and put himself up on the market for a new lady owner because after you've finished making him attractive to you, he’s grown wings and become attractive to a lot of other women too!

This is you if:

Who you say you’d like to be with and who you end up with are poles apart.

You may have you ideal man in mind but you can’t wait for him because you need the reassurance of a male attention.

You’re quite critical.

You’re insecure and crave attention.

Some people are critical and run in the opposite direction, but as a super woman and the fact that you see yourself as a ‘property developer’, you decide to stay and give your ‘house’ an extreme makeover.

Ehem continue oh. You’re now Florence Nightingale turned Jesus yeah. I mean imagine if a man bestowed his interest in you despite the fact that he thought you may be beneath him or not as attractive, or have as many qualities as the other women he has dated. So he decides to make you his pet DIY project. Would you thank him for treating you less or would you rather run in the opposite direction? I believe you would do the latter.

No matter what good intentions you think you have, the message that gets sent when you try to turn him into you DIY project is ‘I am not satisfied with you and you are not good enough in your present state’.

The big question I want to ask at this point is: Why the hell are you with this guy? And why don’t you just find a man more on your ‘level’ and put this poor guy out of his misery? Even if it appears that he is happy with what you are asking of him, it just takes that one extra request, or a change in your tone or attitude for things to go south and for him to recognize your behavior for what it is. Trying to build a man from the ground up is a project that you should really shy away from. If you can’t accept him for what he is and are living off potential, you will always be miserable.

And of course, there is the distinct possibility that the relationship will flounder and someone else will reap the benefit of your hard work, which is a lot pisser because unlike a house, there is no financial reward. If his new relationship works, they won’t be looking to change him as you have done the work already. What they would be doing is enjoying the fruits of your labor. They would thank you for your extreme makeover and enjoy the man he has become. Thanks to you. It’s a vicious circle really.

As usual stay beautiful. 
xoxo Chantel. 

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Getting Dumped: From My Perspective

PS: It’s my view so pardon me for speaking about it only from my own perspective. So if you get confused just go back and read the title. 

Breaking up for many is a hard task. It’s hard for both parties really. The initiator and the reactor. Personally, I have been on both sides of the slate, and I would have to say it’s painful on both ends. But I must say that it totally sucks when you are the reactor because half the time, you don’t even have a clue it’s coming.

So let me explain both terms to you for better understanding. The INITIATOR and REACTOR. The two opposite poles in the breaking up process. The initiator is most commonly known as the dumper/ jerk/ asswipe/ bitch/ idiot/ gold-digger…you name it. While the reactor on the other end is the dumpee, more commonly known as the Great girl/guy that you let go off.

The reason why you decide to break up are usually varied, but essentially, could contain any or more of the following:
  1. One of you cheated and got caught. (mind you cheating is cheating regardless of the type).
  2. Both of you grew apart; had different goals and life expectations.
  3. One of you got cold feet; wasn't ready to take it to the next level, or stay in this one.
  4. One person has commitment phobia.

Now if you are the reactor/dumpee, it’s pretty hard to believe that home boy is calling it quits. It’s almost always surreal, like you are living outside of your body watching his mouth as he lets the words slip out, telling you why both of you can’t be together. Inside you are screaming, crying, railing and wrapping your fingers around his neck, trying to get him to shut up. But outside you are frozen in place, heart beating fast, hoping that in a few minutes he will break into a laugh and tell you it’s all a joke. None of these happen and eventually, and you face reality.

At this point is usually where your reaction sets in. For me, it’s usually a delayed response. I want to be dramatic and throw a fit but being the diva that I am, I simply can’t. I tend to just smile, say okay and bye. Why exit so quickly? Oh well, because if I stay one minute too late, I know like I just know I would be bawling all over his shoulder, and begging him to change his mind. And a big girl would not do that (big girls don’t cry). So I exit as gracefully as I can and take my tears to the safety of my bedroom and pillow, and I call up that dear friend who would listen to me rant. (You’re reading this and you know yourself) *wink wink*

However, if you are the initiator, it’s relatively easier but just a tad. Since you know the relationship is about to end, you would have probably spent a few days/weeks/months thinking about how you’re going to do it and what you are going to say. You've already to some extent, started the grieving process so you are now more emotionally prepared.

For pit’s sake don’t offer me the ‘let’s be friends’ line. Please don’t I DO NOT want to be your friend. If I wanted to be your friend, I wouldn't have given you my heart in the first place. Being your friend isn't a condolence prize…sorry hun you lost the relationship jackpot but let’s be friends. Grrrr!
You have just turned my world upside down in matter of minutes…nothing you say or do right then is going to make me feel any better short of you dropping dead. Also don’t try and get an emotional response from me (some guys would say ‘say something’…ermmm like what please?). If I’m not giving you any, chances are I’m holding on to my sheer force of will. So casting blame on me or trying to goad me is only going to make me snap…and oh boy you most certainly don’t want that.

My suggestion: say what you need to say and take a step quickly because darling, that way they won’t have to scrape your remains off the floor. (And the violent taketh by force) LMAO. 

As usual stay beautiful 
xoxo Chantel.