Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Standards and Expectations


It is wisdom that women need to set standards for themselves. Men respect standards. But the truth is everyone (maybe not everyone) has standards; or needs respect. Knowing yourself and what you want can be very powerful and attractive. However, unless the object of your interest is a mind-reader, better communicate and communicate clearly what you want or risk losing a great opportunity.

See often than not we tend to confuse standards and expectations although the two words are often used interchangeably. However what your standards are should be different from what your expectations are. Standards is how you conduct yourself and expectations is how others act. More like how you expect others to act towards you.

From that definition yeah it would be safe to say that a woman’s standards would be that she would not have sex on the first date, or she would pay for her own cab or something else. While for a guy it may be that he would pay for dinner and not let you chip in, or that he won’t call you as often as you would want so it doesn't seem like his bothering you. These are all behaviors we expect from ourselves.

Now expectations on the other hand is the behavior we want from others. Say for example, you as a woman would expect a man to arrive on time to pick you up for a date and expect him to call when his going to be late. Or say open the car door for her. P.S. he has to be extremely old fashioned to open your car door because men of this generation would not. (Now that’s too much expectation if u ask me. #just saying I might be wrong). While a man might be expecting a woman to have sex with him on the first date. (Error...Lool).

In dating, when two people’s standards and expectations are in alignment, there would be no issues. However, if it’s not the case there is bound to be problems.
This is where communication comes in. communication is very important. Regardless of whether you are dating or thinking about it. There is no point sending mixed signals or false notions. Just say what you expect and state it clearly. Like make sure you are both on the same page and you understand yourselves. Like I said earlier ‘your object of interest is not a mind-reader. I repeat NOT a mind-reader.

Admittedly, how someone deals with the information you have provided them based on your expectations, would give you valuable insight into his/her standards, and how interested he/she is in connecting with you.
We have to keep in mind that expectations does not guarantee that we would get the results we want; and if left unchecked, can result into us getting our feelings hurt or being lonely. Sometimes it’s okay to be flexible. But just be careful with your flexibility. We should allow our expectations to be guidelines and food for conversations and not hard and fast rules. Temper them with compassion, curiosity and judgement; and give time for good communication before we make the final decision. Sometimes, you might find out that the man of your dreams didn't want to offend you so he arrived early for a date or the woman of your dream doesn't believe in ‘Dutch’ on the first date. At the end of the day yeah what really matters is if the reward is good enough.

Have your standards, just don’t let your standards have you.       
As usual stay beautiful always.

Monday, 28 July 2014



They say you cannot step into the same water twice. True that. So for those of you who are wondering why I keep changing my blog look or whatever, please forgive me, am sorry. But am only trying to make it look better and sound better and have interesting stuff for you people to read so I don’t bore you. So many thanks to Toperants, a female 'blog consultant' and entrepreneur. Infact forgerabout she has plenty titles. Anyway, after a conversation ‘blog consulting’ with her…..loll I decided to take a closer look at my blog again. My idea about blogging was really just to express myself but also make it interesting. But after talking abi chatting (on twitter) with her, I decided to have some sort of focus on my blog. So basically, as a singleton, I talk a lot about relationships (yes they are very overrated) and the single life so that’s mostly what am going to be blogging about. Am not a relationship expert oh (if I was I won’t be single) but at least I can tell you what experience has taught me and the experiences of other people I know; who have been kind enough to share it with me and allow me to blog about it as well.

But you know how life can be sometimes abi, it has many hooks and turns oh so I would also rant yes rant about happenings in the world and life in general. Seeing that everywhere we look these days is one bad news or the other (now I know why I don’t really watch the news or listen to it) too much bad news it’s saddening. Anyway am looking to hold heads and hearts together with words, and write with the hope and passion that one person will  be better because he /she reads what I write.

So please follow me and tell you friends to follow me and their friends and friends’ friend. Thank you and enjoy the ride. As usual stay beautiful. 

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Nigeria our country

Long post alert!

I don’t bother but I don’t get it either. So I’m trying to understand it. Politics that is. See I never saw myself as a politically knowledgeable person and it never bothered me if people thought I was dumb in that area. I hated government in school, I would rather sit in home economics or food and nutrition class from morning till night and never get bored. However, this whole politics thing, there is just so much back and forth to it. The issue of who should run ‘our country’ and I use that term very lightly, whose way is the ‘right way’, which president is responsible for which failure, how we should handle our enemies overseas and blah blah blah. Just plenty talk. It’s rather ironic how I like puzzles but I hate complicated shit and this whole politics of a thing is just one complicated puzzle in a nutshell.

How do we raise our children to understand and support ‘our’ country and make decisions about a government that doesn't make any sense anymore? A country we ourselves are trying to understand. Absolutely ridiculous.

Over the years as I am growing up and learning, one thing I have always heard repeated over and over again, ‘keep it simple’. Sounds easy doesn't it? So what is our problem, our leaders? The way we think? What really? Isn’t this country known as the giant of Africa? Or has it changed?

‘Keep it simple’ they say. We have a constitution and a country founded on God, community and the masses, so why can’t we just stop complicating things. God was part of this amazing country long before the cry-babies (BH and others) want him removed from it. Tough shit, Welcome to Nigeria. Our dearly beloved country, where everything from killings, kidnapping of children, to child brides, to stealing etc. is now becoming a norm. Vote for democracy vote for democracy we have but what has it to offer us. Fair governance? Yeah right. Don’t be fair. Be protective. Protect us like your daughters. Would you be concerned about hurting a boy’s feeling when he comes to take your precious daughter out with a cigarette hanging from the corner of his lips and talking to her like his the one running the show and he owns her? Or telling her to go and change into something that suits him? That’s crazy!! Hurt some feelings if that’s what it takes to protect us.

In the last couple of years, a lot of innocent lives have been lost. Little girls getting married off to men old enough to be their fathers and grandfathers. Why, as a country are we letting this happen. It’s depressing.  Take away guns to prevent violence? What are you talking about? Violent offenders are criminals who don’t obey the law.

Admittedly, like I said before, I never use to follow politics before and even hated to look at it. I won’t even watch the news, so am not as educated on it as some people are. Well shame on me I know. I guess it’s time to get educated because at this rate, the way things are going, we’re on the verge of something big.  Everyone is mad and scared at what is going on in this country. At some point, a revolution of some degree is bound to happen if nothing is done.
All military personnel are under the oath to ‘support and defend the constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic’ abi isn't that written in black and white somewhere? Or is it just in my head? And we DO have domestic enemies. Our very own government!! Trying daily to change every piece of our great country into something toxic. Digging us into holes that we’ll never get out of. It’s scary. When do we stand up? How do we stand up?

I don’t even know where this came from. I guess am just tired. Tired of seeing hardworking people struggle. Tired of seeing educated people still struggling to get jobs. Tired of hearing women complain of a man who has a picture of his wife and children on his table, but yet still shamelessly asking a young woman to sleep with him to secure a job. (Personally experienced that too). Tired of seeing stock up looking women acting like bosses but shamelessly chasing that young man in the office and threatening to take his job from him if she doesn't have her way.

Things weren't this bad when I was a kid and that wasn't long ago. But hey maybe they have always being but I only had the eyes of an innocent child and didn't really see it. *shrugs* who knows? 

I guess I would stop ranting now. Time to educate myself because I didn't think ‘our’ country would ever be like this. How naive of me. Oh well. As usual stay beautiful and leave a comment.

Am Back

I don’t exactly like cats, but I like the picture.

Well some time ago I blogged. Feels like a century ago, but for too many reasons I had to stop and just chill. (That is apart from the fact that I had writer’s blog) yes I’m feeling like a writer and if you don’t like it sorry. The problem is not me is you. Hehehehehehe. Anyway sha so in the midst of my break, I have decided to come back; as I don’t want all that is in my head to remain in there and just give me one huge headache cause am constantly wondering about it. See I would tell you a little secret about me. (I know how to over process a thought) so since I don’t want to go koko like I said earlier, I have decided to come back to blogging. Besides I went to read some of my old blogs (clears throat) is wa. That’s all I can say. Oh yes and I say *sha* a lot. Forget all the poshness flowing through my veins. I just have to add abit of razz to make it even spicier. I went to London to see the queen and I think she amazingly influenced my broken English. Loool. I have no idea the kind of friends I made, but they speak mad broken English when they want to be razz. Dammit.

Anyway I picked that up somehow (I hear my mother cursing in different languages that I don’t understand under her breath). Yes my mother is one of those old English women who can’t stand to hear me speak broken English. Ps. she is Nigerian oh. Just an extremely colonized one who doesn’t remember what her country looks like. Anyway sha me I like it and hate it in this country. I see myself as a traveller, everywhere I go is home. I have a funny way of easily adapting as long as I have the right peeps around me. Okay back to the matter open and close...sorry I just know how to break into a song like that. Oh yes and I have this friend yeah, we like to use words to sing as long as the word reminds us of a song. Okay okay back to earth yes where was I? Oh yeah at the part where I was about to end this talk. Oya you people can drop your welcome comments below and please recommend other blogs I can excitingly stalk. Oh and don’t forget to follow my beautiful self and get others to follow me too. Did I just ask for followers you say, but of cause if I don’t have followers, am I going to be telling my awesome self all these stories? #sigh *major side eye* now go and do as I say…oya sorry no vex am not commanding you am begging telling…Call it whatever you like biko. Abeg bye bye. Stay beautiful and don’t forget like me you’re just amazing.