‘I hate how she presses the toothpaste from the middle and not the
bottom’
‘Oh and let’s not even talk about the fact that he doesn’t replace the
cap back on after using the toothpaste’
And then what? I ask.
Often times I wonder why is it so
difficult for most of us to show tolerance towards others. Like why is it so
important to have things go ‘our way’, win an argument or a game? Why does
everything have to be a competition? Why do we often have to have the last word? Why do we walk away from a verbal
wrestle thinking: ‘oh damn, I did show him/her’! Or ‘good, I’ve really put her
in her place this time!’ why do we need to engage in a verbal wrestle at all?
We often talk about Tolerance. But do we really know what
it means? Tolerance according to the
oxford dictionary, means having a disposition to be patient with or indulgent
to the opinions or practice of others.
I believe a lot of us have that
strong competitive streak about us, which may have well being part of our
genetic make-up but is also strongly reinforced by the society we live in where
WINNING IS EVERYTHING.
At what point do we get in tuned
to the spirit of competition? Is it at a tender age? Thinking about it now, I
would suspect so; especially for those of us who have other siblings. As soon
as a sibling appears in our world, we most likely begin right there and then to
compete for mother’s attention. We get put out when we realise-somewhere in our
first year of life that she has other things to attend to apart from cuddling
or feeding us. And so it continues. God help him or her who tries to play with
our toys by the time we are 2. Claim Daddy’s knee that we believe has only OUR
name on it at age 3; show off the pretty dress to Sandy whose dress is nowhere
as gorgeous as MINE at age 4; tell Rob next door that ‘MY’ daddy is bigger than
yours, so watch out! At age 5. And it goes on and on. If we don’t have people
in our world who have an understanding of these dynamics or who are unable to
help us balance our natural selfishness (which is a normal part of child’s
growth process) with a level of empathy and sensitivity, the competitive spirit
simply grows and grows within us.
School forces us into its own
competitive mold. If we do well academically, are the prettiest girl or the
sportiest boy you get a lot of positive reinforcement! If not, you simply fade
into the background. If you are unable to keep up with the majority of kids,
happen to have a wart on your nose or suffer the great misfortune of being
covered with acne, you’ll most likely be the butt for cruel jokes. If you’ve
been subjected to years of this type of treatment, by the time you reach
adulthood you will have absorbed tens of thousands of demeaning messages, and
chances are high that you have come to the following conclusion:
‘If I am not a winner I must be a loser’
‘If I don’t conform, I just don’t fit’
‘If I don’t perform to some external
standard, I’m a failure’
So then giving all of that, is it
any wonder that being tolerant of others is pretty difficult? Not really!
But as easy as it is to
understand, it also needs to be noted that intolerance is incredibly tough on
our relationships and can be an absolute deal-breaker.
Looking at the example I gave
above: how important is it that the cap of the toothpaste is replaced or that
the toothpaste be pressed from the bottom not the middle. Who dies if it’s not
done the ‘right way’?
Why make such a big deal out of
something so insignificant? It’s ANNOYING!
Yes sure but so what? Everyone has their vices but is it worth fighting
over NOTHING? I don’t think so.
Am I saying that you shouldn’t
address those idiosyncrasies that drive your partner crazy? Not at all! I am
only suggesting that you don’t get your knickers in a knot over some habit,
personality quirks or other expression of your partner’s need to retain a part
of themselves in the relationship because IT SIMPLY IS NOT WORTH THE FIGHT.
Think about it- what might happen if you show a bit of tolerance?
How would it be if you lost the occasional battle?
I would like to challenge you to
ask yourself how you feel each time intolerance strikes. There could be a
million reasons hiding in your past that may be responsible for why you feel
intolerant. Be sure to explore all possibilities and do whatever you can to get
rid of any destructive baggage that you carry with you from the past. On that
note I would leave you with this:
·
Every so often be sure to let others enjoy the
pleasure of being right
·
Pick your battles wisely
·
Don’t major on things of minor importance
·
Always give others the benefit of doubt
·
Remember that people are imperfect
·
Recognise that YOU ARE IMPERFECT TOO……. and
realise that the world won’t come to an end if you get things wrong every so
often!
Let’s Learn to Tolerant each
other.
