Getting Dumped: From My Perspective

PS: It’s my view so pardon me for speaking about it only from my own perspective. So if you get confused just go back and read the title. 

Breaking up for many is a hard task. It’s hard for both parties really. The initiator and the reactor. Personally, I have been on both sides of the slate, and I would have to say it’s painful on both ends. But I must say that it totally sucks when you are the reactor because half the time, you don’t even have a clue it’s coming.

So let me explain both terms to you for better understanding. The INITIATOR and REACTOR. The two opposite poles in the breaking up process. The initiator is most commonly known as the dumper/ jerk/ asswipe/ bitch/ idiot/ gold-digger…you name it. While the reactor on the other end is the dumpee, more commonly known as the Great girl/guy that you let go off.

The reason why you decide to break up are usually varied, but essentially, could contain any or more of the following:

1. One of you cheated and got caught. (mind you cheating is cheating regardless of the type).
2. Both of you grew apart; had different goals and life expectations.
3. One of you got cold feet; wasn't ready to take it to the next level, or stay in this one.
4. One person has commitment phobia.

Now if you are the reactor/dumpee, it’s pretty hard to believe that home boy is calling it quits. It’s almost always surreal, like you are living outside of your body watching his mouth as he lets the words slip out, telling you why both of you can’t be together. Inside you are screaming, crying, railing and wrapping your fingers around his neck, trying to get him to shut up. But outside you are frozen in place, heart beating fast, hoping that in a few minutes he will break into a laugh and tell you it’s all a joke. None of these happen and eventually, and you face reality.

At this point is usually where your reaction sets in. For me, it’s usually a delayed response. I want to be dramatic and throw a fit but being the diva that I am, I simply can’t. I tend to just smile, say okay and bye. Why exit so quickly? Oh well, because if I stay one minute too late, I know like I just know I would be bawling all over his shoulder, and begging him to change his mind. And a big girl would not do that (big girls don’t cry). So I exit as gracefully as I can and take my tears to the safety of my bedroom and pillow, and I call up that dear friend who would listen to me rant. (You’re reading this and you know yourself) *wink wink*

However, if you are the initiator, it’s relatively easier but just a tad. Since you know the relationship is about to end, you would have probably spent a few days/weeks/months thinking about how you’re going to do it and what you are going to say. You've already to some extent, started the grieving process so you are now more emotionally prepared.

For pit’s sake don’t offer me the ‘let’s be friends’ line. Please don’t I DO NOT want to be your friend. If I wanted to be your friend, I wouldn't have given you my heart in the first place. Being your friend isn't a condolence prize…sorry hun you lost the relationship jackpot but let’s be friends. Grrrr!

You have just turned my world upside down in matter of minutes…nothing you say or do right then is going to make me feel any better short of you dropping dead. Also don’t try and get an emotional response from me (some guys would say ‘say something’…ermmm like what please?). If I’m not giving you any, chances are I’m holding on to my sheer force of will. So casting blame on me or trying to goad me is only going to make me snap…and oh boy you most certainly don’t want that.

My suggestion: say what you need to say and take a step quickly because darling, that way they won’t have to scrape your remains off the floor. (And the violent taketh by force) LMAO. 

As usual stay beautiful 

xoxo Chantel.

Why are you single

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People sure know how to ask stupid questions really. But as a single person, with time yeah you become fodder for oodles of stupidity because for some reason your life is seen as being less than that of someone who is attached. I am of the opinion that some people who are attached are secretly envious of singles as we are footloose and fancy free. However, this doesn't stop me from having the urge to want to scream at the next person that asks me ‘why are you single’

As much as I hate to say it but am thinking like ‘don’t these twits realize that if I had an answer to this question, I wouldn't be single? How long is a piece of string? What do these people expect me to say really?

I don’t like to give blowjobs

Am a chick with a dick

I just got out of prison

I act like an innocent woman by day and act like a psychotic bitch at night

This is a mask and underneath it am an alien

I don’t know really but those are the kind of stupid answers I have to the question ‘why are you single’

Am a pretty outgoing woman, has loads of friends, has all her teeth complete, takes care of her appearance, ambitious, wants to have kids and settle down some day, used to have bad taste in men but that has changed now (hopefully) after past experiences and by all accounts is a good catch. There could be a number of reasons why am single but I doubt that any of them are a bad thing. I have dated, I’ve had fun, I have cocked it up from time to time, but by not engaging in a serious relationship for awhile or so, I’ve been spared the mercy of some of the aggravation some of my coupled friends have. However, I hope the next time am in a relationship it would be a good choice.

I sometimes feel for single people who don’t have the balls like some people do, to tell people who ask silly questions like this or make them feel uncomfortable to go take a run and jump. Coupled people are projecting their own fear of being single when they ask BS questions or treat single people like social pariahs. There are some people who are unhappy with their singleness and feel extremely miserable with it, and maybe if I was single for 10years I would feel the same way too, but a lot of people who are unhappy with their singleness haven’t been single for that long they just hate being ‘alone’. They validate themselves based on how coupled they are and that’s where the questioners and doubters come creeping in. 

My advice: laugh in the face of people who ask silly questions and more, and tell them that you’re single because you’re single and if you knew why, you would either be attached or have made millions from writing a book about being single. Don’t justify, don’t make excuses and remind them that you don’t ask why they are still with their significant other or even why they are still alive. Most importantly, don’t let them get to you. Enjoy yourself. When you’re washing your future significant other’s skid marked boxers *yes that’s pretty gross*, or you’ve got the kids you absolutely adore screaming their heads off and you have baby puke all over you, or you never got to go out anymore because your life is a mass of couple commitments, you’ll remember these words. Hopefully.

So until then enjoy being single and as usual stay beautiful always.

Before you log off from this page please take the time to follow this blog for easy updates. Thank you muahhh xoxo 

Close your legs

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With great power comes great responsibility. So I think it’s time some girls (me included) started taking responsibility for some men being ‘Jerks’. Frankly, there is more to a girl demanding respect for herself instead of just screaming at guys when they act like…well GUYS.

Am tired of girls whining about how a guy ‘wronged’ them when they give the guy a reason to be stupid by sleeping with him almost immediately. Especially when this guy makes it clear that he doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. It’s a whole different ball game if the guy has been leading you on for a while, dating you, acting interested for a while and then disappears after sex. At this point you can call him whatever name you want. He deserves it. But not when you have been the one making all the moves and seeing his  ‘am not interested signals’ written boldly on his head, but you still put head and he sleeps with you and forgets you; you get upset and start calling him all kinds of names. At this point na only you waka come.

Some girls truly don’t get it really. No matter how many times a guy tells them they don’t want a relationship, they are of the notion that their VeeGaGa is golden and the minute they give it up, the guy would automatically become starstruck into wanting them or loving them, and that he would become prince charming all of a sudden. Or their knight in shining armour.

Some girls seem to think that if they have sex with a guy, it automatically means that he would be committed to them, when they don’t get their way they throw a fit and blame the guy for behaving badly. I guess that’s easier than admitting they were the ones who acted very stupid and got themselves in that situation in the first place.

See, guys are fascinated by something- It’s called SEX. If you drop your pants and lay it out before a guy, trust me his going to take you up on your offer. Does this mean his an asshole? No, it means his a guy.

Guys are red-blooded creatures with plenty of testosterone and because of their hormones, they would always crave sex whether they last had it 10 years ago or 10 mins ago. You have to remember that sex is not something you do to score a relationship. It’s something you do with a man who already cares about you.

One thing you have to remember is – guys like girls, want something of value. They would assume that if you’re giving it freely now, you probably have in the past. So close your leg until you are 100% certain about a guy. If you feel he would leave you if you don’t give it to him, great let him go. That’s not the kind of guy you want to be with anyway. (The hit and run).

As usual stay beautiful. xoxo

Why won't you love me baby?

Sometimes we come across people we like hoping that they would like us back. But however, this person might just be so wounded from past relationships that at the moment they are emotionally unavailable and have baggage so full it can fill an airport terminal. Even with that, we tend to think that perhaps with us it just might be different…why? Because you think you can see past their problems, and see potential in them….But hey

That’s the problem….

When someone doesn't isn't ready to be in a relationship, or they seem to have limited access to their emotions, or they seem to be terrified of intimacy to the point where they get clammy at the thought of commitment, at that point, it doesn't matter if your love is as big as an ocean or comes in a platinum case with a nice bow on it promising the sun, moon and stars or even the world. If they say they don’t want it…they just don’t want it simples. Nothing you can do about that. It doesn't matter who you are or the kind of love you offer..at that point, you could be anyone and until they resolve their issues, you will not extract a loving relationship from them. As the saying goes ‘you can drag a horse to the river, but you can’t force it to drink’

You may see past their problems and feel that you love them in spite of their baggage and may see yourself as all loving and caring and all the nice things you think you and your love can offer, but how you see you, is not how they see you.

No matter what you say or do, they perceive you, by the very fact that you’re either in a relationship with them, or hankering for one, that you want, need, or expect more than they’re prepared to be wanted, needed, and expected from.

If you've been with a Mr or Mrs unavailable, you won’t be the first person that has ever felt something for them.

Sometimes, we make the mistake of expending copious amounts of energy ‘running on the spot’ by investing ourselves and emotions into limited relationships with people that have a limited ability and capacity for love, which in turn creates a limited result.

You don’t want to be an equivalent of that pushy used car salesman that doesn't know when to back off. It doesn't translate well to relationships.

If they can’t see past their problems and insecurities, what is the point in you doing it for them? You can’t do all the loving, security, responsibility, accountability, trusting, caring, and respecting in the relationship.

They don’t have to want your love. This is not a yard sale where you think ‘it’s cheap! Someone should want it!’ ehn ehn.

The moment someone doesn't want you, you need to be asking yourself why you’re still wanting them. Period. Now don’t get me wrong, this doesn't mean you should switch off your feelings automatically but you should be coming back to earth at this point with a very loud, resounding bump.

Alarm bells should be ringing! If they’re not -my alarm bells are ringing for you!

More importantly, don’t treat your love like a hot potato that you can’t wait to offload and certainly don’t put your life on hold because you’re stuck ‘loving’ someone that doesn't love you. Their lack of interest is a red flag….Use it to extricate yourself out of what will become an even more painful situation if you don’t back off. There is better out there for you…best believe it.   

As usual stay beautiful. 

Change

     

They say you cannot step into the same water twice. True that. So for those of you who are wondering why I keep changing my blog look or whatever, please forgive me, am sorry. But am only trying to make it look better and sound better and have interesting stuff for you people to read so I don’t bore you. So many thanks to Toperants, a female 'blog consultant' and entrepreneur. Infact forgerabout she has plenty titles. Anyway, after a conversation ‘blog consulting’ with her…..loll I decided to take a closer look at my blog again. My idea about blogging was really just to express myself but also make it interesting. But after talking abi chatting (on twitter) with her, I decided to have some sort of focus on my blog. So basically, as a singleton, I talk a lot about relationships (yes they are very overrated) and the single life so that’s mostly what am going to be blogging about. Am not a relationship expert oh (if I was I won’t be single) but at least I can tell you what experience has taught me and the experiences of other people I know; who have been kind enough to share it with me and allow me to blog about it as well.

But you know how life can be sometimes abi, it has many hooks and turns oh so I would also rant yes rant about happenings in the world and life in general. Seeing that everywhere we look these days is one bad news or the other (now I know why I don’t really watch the news or listen to it) too much bad news it’s saddening. Anyway am looking to hold heads and hearts together with words, and write with the hope and passion that one person will  be better because he /she reads what I write.

So please follow me and tell you friends to follow me and their friends and friends’ friend. Thank you and enjoy the ride. As usual stay beautiful.