TOLERANCE, AN IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP VIRTUE

*walks in, looks around and starts clearing all the cobwebs..lool* Yes i know i have away...dollar is high..that's my excuse and i'm sticking to it.

‘I hate how she presses the toothpaste from the middle and not the bottom’

‘Oh and let’s not even talk about the fact that he doesn’t replace the cap back on after using the toothpaste’

And then what? I ask.

Often times I wonder why is it so difficult for most of us to show tolerance towards others. Like why is it so important to have things go ‘our way’, win an argument or a game? Why does everything have to be a competition? Why do we often have to have the last word? Why do we walk away from a verbal wrestle thinking: ‘oh damn, I did show him/her’! Or ‘good, I’ve really put her in her place this time!’ why do we need to engage in a verbal wrestle at all?

We often talk about Tolerance. But do we really know what it means? Tolerance according to the oxford dictionary, means having a disposition to be patient with or indulgent to the opinions or practice of others.

I believe a lot of us have that strong competitive streak about us, which may have well being part of our genetic make-up but is also strongly reinforced by the society we live in where WINNING IS EVERYTHING.

At what point do we get in tuned to the spirit of competition? Is it at a tender age? Thinking about it now, I would suspect so; especially for those of us who have other siblings. As soon as a sibling appears in our world, we most likely begin right there and then to compete for mother’s attention. We get put out when we realise-somewhere in our first year of life that she has other things to attend to apart from cuddling or feeding us. And so it continues. God help him or her who tries to play with our toys by the time we are 2. Claim Daddy’s knee that we believe has only OUR name on it at age 3; show off the pretty dress to Sandy whose dress is nowhere as gorgeous as MINE at age 4; tell Rob next door that ‘MY’ daddy is bigger than yours, so watch out! At age 5. And it goes on and on. If we don’t have people in our world who have an understanding of these dynamics or who are unable to help us balance our natural selfishness (which is a normal part of child’s growth process) with a level of empathy and sensitivity, the competitive spirit simply grows and grows within us.

School forces us into its own competitive mold. If we do well academically, are the prettiest girl or the sportiest boy you get a lot of positive reinforcement! If not, you simply fade into the background. If you are unable to keep up with the majority of kids, happen to have a wart on your nose or suffer the great misfortune of being covered with acne, you’ll most likely be the butt for cruel jokes. If you’ve been subjected to years of this type of treatment, by the time you reach adulthood you will have absorbed tens of thousands of demeaning messages, and chances are high that you have come to the following conclusion:

‘If I am not a winner I must be a loser’

‘If I don’t conform, I just don’t fit’

‘If I don’t perform to some external standard, I’m a failure’

So then giving all of that, is it any wonder that being tolerant of others is pretty difficult? Not really!

But as easy as it is to understand, it also needs to be noted that intolerance is incredibly tough on our relationships and can be an absolute deal-breaker.

Looking at the example I gave above: how important is it that the cap of the toothpaste is replaced or that the toothpaste be pressed from the bottom not the middle. Who dies if it’s not done the ‘right way’?

Why make such a big deal out of something so insignificant? It’s ANNOYING!  Yes sure but so what? Everyone has their vices but is it worth fighting over NOTHING? I don’t think so.

Am I saying that you shouldn’t address those idiosyncrasies that drive your partner crazy? Not at all! I am only suggesting that you don’t get your knickers in a knot over some habit, personality quirks or other expression of your partner’s need to retain a part of themselves in the relationship because IT SIMPLY IS NOT WORTH THE FIGHT.

Think about it- what might happen if you show a bit of tolerance?

How would it be if you lost the occasional battle?

I would like to challenge you to ask yourself how you feel each time intolerance strikes. There could be a million reasons hiding in your past that may be responsible for why you feel intolerant. Be sure to explore all possibilities and do whatever you can to get rid of any destructive baggage that you carry with you from the past. On that note I would leave you with this:

·         Every so often be sure to let others enjoy the pleasure of being right

·         Pick your battles wisely

·         Don’t major on things of minor importance

·         Always give others the benefit of doubt

·         Remember that people are imperfect

·         Recognise that YOU ARE IMPERFECT TOO……. and realise that the world won’t come to an end if you get things wrong every so often!

Let’s Learn to Tolerant each other. 

Cheating

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So I saw this screenshot message from an older woman telling all younger women how to act in their marriages. She was of the opinion that ‘all men cheat’. Hours after, my cousin sends me a link to the picture and we start to talk about it. So she’s saying to me that she has friends who have told her the same thing and she wanted to know my opinion about it.

Personally I do not like to generalize simply because I have come to learn that every human is different in their own special way. So just because you have been in 1 or 2 relationships where your partner cheated on you doesn’t mean that every other person you meet in the future is also like that. I mean like; no human is the criteria for the world so why judge everyone in that light? I know there are people who would say otherwise and criticize what I am saying but that’s your opinion and we are all entitled to that. So you don’t have to agree with me.

This oft-repeated myth that ‘all men cheat’ in my opinion is just a myth. But women say it to each other when their friend’s boyfriend or husband is caught cheating and men say it to one another simply to comfort themselves and naturalize their infidelities.

People would say ‘men cheat’ because it’s in their nature to do so. Okay. But at the end of the day I think it all boils down to Principles. We are faithful to our partners simply because we made a commitment to do so and because we don’t want to hurt them. When relationships fall apart because of cheating, it’s because of betrayal and a breach of trust more than it is about the physical act of sex.

Relationships need to be based on trust and honesty, which means somewhere in the ‘getting to know you’ part, you would have shared your past experiences whether good or bad.  If you have been cheated on in the past, this can be a very devastating experience with far reaching effects. But like I always say, you have no business being in a relationship if you have emotional baggage and it’s an issue which exceeds the maximum weight. If you have emotional baggage big enough to fill an airport terminal then please you have no business being in a relationship until you sort yourself out. If you’re so badly hurt from past relationships that you can’t trust anyone, then you need to work on your issues and preferably alone.

I know men who have cheated and I know women who have cheated. So the myth that ‘all men cheat’ is not 100% true. Since Victorian times, women have been viewed as the ones responsible for maintaining ‘morality’ in society and keeping men in check. While men are viewed as penises (please excuse my being so straight forward) with legs; incapable of rational thought once faced with the prospect of touching a boob.

So when women say ‘all men cheat’ they are simply doing two things: enabling one another to stay in relationships with men who are sketchy, selfish liars, and two teach men that they aren’t accountable for their own behavior. Aside from that, the notion that ‘all men cheat’ is a lie.

I honestly don’t buy into the ‘men are ruled by their dick’ story-line. I think that’s just an excuse to let men off the hook in terms of accountability for their own behavior and reinforces untrue stereotypes.

What are your thoughts? Please share.

Stay beautiful

Xoxo

Chantel 

25 Thoughts on Love, Relationships, Friendships and becoming a better me.

I have been away but I am kind of back. Let’s just pretend I have been here all the while okay. Anyway in my away time, I did some reflecting and I put together 25 thoughts on love, relationship, friendship and becoming a better me. 

1. Live with self-esteem at the heart of your interactions because if you don’t love you, you would end up acting without love, care, trust, and respect towards other people and in situations that detract from you.

2. Pray when it’s the hardest and when you think God isn't listening because he is.

3. Don’t depend too much on anyone in this world because even your shadow leaves you when you’re in darkness

4. Friendship isn't about the quantity but the quality 

5. Any relationship where one person thinks that it can only be on their terms is a relationship to run in the opposite direction from. 

6. Dating is a discovery phase – you need to go into dating with a reasonable sense of trust and by paying attention to actions and words, you can roll back or increase your trust accordingly. Don’t go gaga and run around loving and trusting blindly because you would end up ignoring evidence that indicates that you need to slow down or abort mission. 

7. People tell you and show you who they are and you need to be listening and watching, not deciding that you know better. 

8. Avoid playing games in relationships because not only will you become uncertain as to what is genuine and what has been manipulated by the games, but you would also lose all credibility of the person if they become aware of it, plus if they’re dodgy they would take advantage of it.

9. Staying and complaining doesn't remove your accountability or do anything to improve the situation. 

10. Resisting the reality of something takes a lot more energy than accepting it – don’t give room for denial.

11. Desperation in any form mixed with dating and relationships makes a dangerous cocktail that can be smelt by an assclown shark from a million miles away. 

12. People who are genuinely interested in you not only show their interest, but they don’t resist you and don’t make their intentions or interactions ambiguous, plus you know they are interested without second guessing. 

13. Mistakes are growing pains but ultimately growing gains.

14. People unfold and keep unfolding.

15. We've got to stop exaggerating busy. Aside from the fact that busy doesn't equate to purposeful, we all choose what we want to be busy at. Busy people can love, have relationships and include others in their lives. 

16. Attempting to right the wrongs of a past that you weren't wholly or solely responsible for, leaves your present and future unattended to.

17. Don’t write online what you won’t be prepared to say to someone’s face.

18. Holding a grudge is like stabbing yourself over and over again – talk about it and let it go for your own sanity.

19. Don’t give away your choices. The words ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘maybe’, as well as ‘let me get back to you’, exist for a reason – use them. 

20. Don’t wait for the perfect moment, take a moment and make it perfect.

21. Be careful of the forever hungry mind-set where you never appreciate what you have because your mind is always on the next proverbial meal. How would you know and appreciate what is more, when you never appreciated what you had?

22. Ups and downs are relative and personal hence why comparison and envy aren't the most productive or illuminating uses of your energy and time. 

23. You don’t have to be liked by everyone. No need to collect likes. Vibe with people who chime with your values and appreciate those who you don’t have to jump through hoops for them to appreciate who you are. 

24. Appreciate your life and how far you have come and look ahead to where you are going. Stop comparing your chapter X to another person’s chapter Y.

25. We don’t live in an ideal, fairy tale world so while it’s great that you know what you would think, feel and do under various circumstances, don’t project this on to other people and assume they are the same unless you have evidence that demonstrates this.

As usual stay beautiful 

Xoxo Chantel 

He's bad in bed!

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I think we’d all like to say that every guy we’ve slept with was an amazing lover, but let’s be frank here, if you've slept with a few people, there’s been at least one bad lover. Just think about it. However, remember that it takes two to tango. You can’t just lie there like a sack of potatoes and expect him to do all of the work without communicating if you dislike something he’s doing or not and then at the end label him a shit lover in-between the sheets. (Why you wanna be mean?)

So basically, once you've established the fact that two can indeed tango, sometimes there is no escaping the fact that he really does suck at it. But why anyone would want to date a dude whose so rubbish in bed is beyond me.

Okay okay let’s not judge. He might be drunk, distracted or upset at the time. So if you want to increase your chances of a decent seeing-to, I suggest you optimise the situation. Although, some men don’t have their performance hindered by the effects of drugs or alcohol. But some just flop out. Or maybe it was too soon? It’s likely that if you don’t know each other that well and haven’t built a true connection, no matter how much you lust after his six pack or how big his **** is, or think he’s charming, he or both of you may find that when naked, it’s not that sexy. Not every man is wired to screw you in a heartbeat. Some men are more emotional than the usual hump you and dump you and regular shagger sorts!

Don’t let him pump you like he was in horse race. If you aren’t enjoying it, don’t stay mute. Okay I get it, you’re not the vocal type in the bedroom but did you try to point him in the right direction? Wince or literally change position? Some of his previous partners may have liked being ridden like they’re in the Grand National. So with that typical male ego, he assumes that everybody likes his techniques. *clears throat* Error.

But hold up! Are you saying his a bad lover because you didn't have an orgasm? *clears throat* lucky you if you come all the time. No wonder you have such high expectations. But just know that you can actually have good sex without having an orgasm all the time.

Or maybe you have given him the impression that his superman in bed? See I’m all for encouraging and managing egos sometimes, but there is something called constructive encouragement and then taking the piss and creating your own demise. Why would you keep telling someone they are great at something when they’re not, and then wonder what to do about the fact that they’re bad at it?! You have only made the task of improving the situation harder because now you have to undo your lies and think of how to put him on reverse.

My advice: instead of admitting you told a lie, start introducing new things to try out in the bedroom with the excuse of spicing things up. If you can’t tell him or even show him how to turn you on, how do you expect him to find out? By osmosis?

Okay don’t shoot me for what am about to say, but really have you for a second considered the fact that he may think you’re bad in bed? Yeah I know it didn't cross your mind. But unless you are with one of those egotistical guys who thinks that by waving his willy in any woman’s direction will induce an orgasm, he may not be enjoying the sex either! This means neither of you are communicating your needs to find a way to communicate what you need, feel and desire.

Remember sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship, but it is important. So if you aren’t enjoying it say something. Shake your bori.

As usual stay beautiful

Xoxo Chantel.

Why are you single

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People sure know how to ask stupid questions really. But as a single person, with time yeah you become fodder for oodles of stupidity because for some reason your life is seen as being less than that of someone who is attached. I am of the opinion that some people who are attached are secretly envious of singles as we are footloose and fancy free. However, this doesn't stop me from having the urge to want to scream at the next person that asks me ‘why are you single’

As much as I hate to say it but am thinking like ‘don’t these twits realize that if I had an answer to this question, I wouldn't be single? How long is a piece of string? What do these people expect me to say really?

I don’t like to give blowjobs

Am a chick with a dick

I just got out of prison

I act like an innocent woman by day and act like a psychotic bitch at night

This is a mask and underneath it am an alien

I don’t know really but those are the kind of stupid answers I have to the question ‘why are you single’

Am a pretty outgoing woman, has loads of friends, has all her teeth complete, takes care of her appearance, ambitious, wants to have kids and settle down some day, used to have bad taste in men but that has changed now (hopefully) after past experiences and by all accounts is a good catch. There could be a number of reasons why am single but I doubt that any of them are a bad thing. I have dated, I’ve had fun, I have cocked it up from time to time, but by not engaging in a serious relationship for awhile or so, I’ve been spared the mercy of some of the aggravation some of my coupled friends have. However, I hope the next time am in a relationship it would be a good choice.

I sometimes feel for single people who don’t have the balls like some people do, to tell people who ask silly questions like this or make them feel uncomfortable to go take a run and jump. Coupled people are projecting their own fear of being single when they ask BS questions or treat single people like social pariahs. There are some people who are unhappy with their singleness and feel extremely miserable with it, and maybe if I was single for 10years I would feel the same way too, but a lot of people who are unhappy with their singleness haven’t been single for that long they just hate being ‘alone’. They validate themselves based on how coupled they are and that’s where the questioners and doubters come creeping in. 

My advice: laugh in the face of people who ask silly questions and more, and tell them that you’re single because you’re single and if you knew why, you would either be attached or have made millions from writing a book about being single. Don’t justify, don’t make excuses and remind them that you don’t ask why they are still with their significant other or even why they are still alive. Most importantly, don’t let them get to you. Enjoy yourself. When you’re washing your future significant other’s skid marked boxers *yes that’s pretty gross*, or you’ve got the kids you absolutely adore screaming their heads off and you have baby puke all over you, or you never got to go out anymore because your life is a mass of couple commitments, you’ll remember these words. Hopefully.

So until then enjoy being single and as usual stay beautiful always.

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