25 Thoughts on Love, Relationships, Friendships and becoming a better me.

I have been away but I am kind of back. Let’s just pretend I have been here all the while okay. Anyway in my away time, I did some reflecting and I put together 25 thoughts on love, relationship, friendship and becoming a better me. 

1. Live with self-esteem at the heart of your interactions because if you don’t love you, you would end up acting without love, care, trust, and respect towards other people and in situations that detract from you.

2. Pray when it’s the hardest and when you think God isn't listening because he is.

3. Don’t depend too much on anyone in this world because even your shadow leaves you when you’re in darkness

4. Friendship isn't about the quantity but the quality 

5. Any relationship where one person thinks that it can only be on their terms is a relationship to run in the opposite direction from. 

6. Dating is a discovery phase – you need to go into dating with a reasonable sense of trust and by paying attention to actions and words, you can roll back or increase your trust accordingly. Don’t go gaga and run around loving and trusting blindly because you would end up ignoring evidence that indicates that you need to slow down or abort mission. 

7. People tell you and show you who they are and you need to be listening and watching, not deciding that you know better. 

8. Avoid playing games in relationships because not only will you become uncertain as to what is genuine and what has been manipulated by the games, but you would also lose all credibility of the person if they become aware of it, plus if they’re dodgy they would take advantage of it.

9. Staying and complaining doesn't remove your accountability or do anything to improve the situation. 

10. Resisting the reality of something takes a lot more energy than accepting it – don’t give room for denial.

11. Desperation in any form mixed with dating and relationships makes a dangerous cocktail that can be smelt by an assclown shark from a million miles away. 

12. People who are genuinely interested in you not only show their interest, but they don’t resist you and don’t make their intentions or interactions ambiguous, plus you know they are interested without second guessing. 

13. Mistakes are growing pains but ultimately growing gains.

14. People unfold and keep unfolding.

15. We've got to stop exaggerating busy. Aside from the fact that busy doesn't equate to purposeful, we all choose what we want to be busy at. Busy people can love, have relationships and include others in their lives. 

16. Attempting to right the wrongs of a past that you weren't wholly or solely responsible for, leaves your present and future unattended to.

17. Don’t write online what you won’t be prepared to say to someone’s face.

18. Holding a grudge is like stabbing yourself over and over again – talk about it and let it go for your own sanity.

19. Don’t give away your choices. The words ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘maybe’, as well as ‘let me get back to you’, exist for a reason – use them. 

20. Don’t wait for the perfect moment, take a moment and make it perfect.

21. Be careful of the forever hungry mind-set where you never appreciate what you have because your mind is always on the next proverbial meal. How would you know and appreciate what is more, when you never appreciated what you had?

22. Ups and downs are relative and personal hence why comparison and envy aren't the most productive or illuminating uses of your energy and time. 

23. You don’t have to be liked by everyone. No need to collect likes. Vibe with people who chime with your values and appreciate those who you don’t have to jump through hoops for them to appreciate who you are. 

24. Appreciate your life and how far you have come and look ahead to where you are going. Stop comparing your chapter X to another person’s chapter Y.

25. We don’t live in an ideal, fairy tale world so while it’s great that you know what you would think, feel and do under various circumstances, don’t project this on to other people and assume they are the same unless you have evidence that demonstrates this.

As usual stay beautiful 

Xoxo Chantel 

Broken Crayons

I don’t know about you, but I am my own worst critic. I’m usually the first to notice my short comings and I would beat myself over and over again for it.

As a child, I hated broken crayons. I just felt it was not good enough to color. But then I would see someone else pick up the same broken crayon and color with it and it would come out beautiful. What’s my point, well we humans we tend to push people who have problems away because we think they are not good enough.

Looking at myself, I am a broken crayon. But my color is still very vibrant and I’m still made with purpose. The only difference is I am not well put together and that’s ok. No one is perfect and once we learn it’s ok to not be perfect, we live and we grow.

Each of us has something different to offer the world. There is a humanity out there we are meant to ‘color’. To encourage. To serve. I believe there is a purpose for each and every one of us, and that purpose doesn't just disappear because we discover a chink in our own armor. 

Maybe, just maybe that broken piece, that cracked cistern, is what this world needs. God has a way of showing us that we aren't as ‘bad’ as we think we are and that he needs us. You may look at your friends or peeps and they are shining and their life looks perfect, just remember that they have their own problems and some may be similar to yours. Also remember that by focusing on what others have, you allow your blessings to fall short.

You don’t have what others have because it is not meant for you. At least not in the now. Life is an express lane and it’s okay to overtake.

We have trials and errors so we can have testimonies and work harder when our season comes. I don’t know about you, but I relate well to people who admit their failures than people who pretend to be perfect. The world has enough pretense already. Let’s be real and keep coloring even when we’re broken. So find a broken person today and remind them that they have something to offer the world.

And if that person happens to be you, keep coloring. The world needs you.

And together, we’ll make a masterpiece.

'I Can Change Him Syndrome'

The ‘I can change him’ syndrome occurs when a woman focuses all of her energies on fixing anything she deems to be incorrect about her man. So basically, like a house, you renovate your man and if you’re lucky, you get to hold onto him, but sometimes that man may just get cocky and put himself up on the market for a new lady owner because after you've finished making him attractive to you, he’s grown wings and become attractive to a lot of other women too!

This is you if:

Who you say you’d like to be with and who you end up with are poles apart.

You may have you ideal man in mind but you can’t wait for him because you need the reassurance of a male attention.

You’re quite critical.

You’re insecure and crave attention.

Some people are critical and run in the opposite direction, but as a super woman and the fact that you see yourself as a ‘property developer’, you decide to stay and give your ‘house’ an extreme makeover.

Ehem continue oh. You’re now Florence Nightingale turned Jesus yeah. I mean imagine if a man bestowed his interest in you despite the fact that he thought you may be beneath him or not as attractive, or have as many qualities as the other women he has dated. So he decides to make you his pet DIY project. Would you thank him for treating you less or would you rather run in the opposite direction? I believe you would do the latter.

No matter what good intentions you think you have, the message that gets sent when you try to turn him into you DIY project is ‘I am not satisfied with you and you are not good enough in your present state’.

The big question I want to ask at this point is: Why the hell are you with this guy? And why don’t you just find a man more on your ‘level’ and put this poor guy out of his misery? Even if it appears that he is happy with what you are asking of him, it just takes that one extra request, or a change in your tone or attitude for things to go south and for him to recognize your behavior for what it is. Trying to build a man from the ground up is a project that you should really shy away from. If you can’t accept him for what he is and are living off potential, you will always be miserable.

And of course, there is the distinct possibility that the relationship will flounder and someone else will reap the benefit of your hard work, which is a lot pisser because unlike a house, there is no financial reward. If his new relationship works, they won’t be looking to change him as you have done the work already. What they would be doing is enjoying the fruits of your labor. They would thank you for your extreme makeover and enjoy the man he has become. Thanks to you. It’s a vicious circle really.

As usual stay beautiful. 

xoxo Chantel. 

Things you shouldn't give up for love or a relationship

Love for me isn’t being with someone who makes you feel weak, like you can’t do anything without them. No one needs love that would keep reminding them of their weaknesses. Instead find love that knows your weaknesses but still tells you you’re strong. Love that encourages you. Makes you feel strong and when you fall picks you up and tells you it’s okay to fall. A love that makes you feel like you can conquer the world even when down.

It’s important to remember what you should NEVER give up for love or a relationship. And that’s what this is about. A reminder for me and you.

1. YOUR IMPERFECT MAGNIFICENCE

It’s not hard for someone to tell you ‘I love you’ but it’s hard to find someone who means it. But eventually you would find that someone and until then, you shouldn’t have to settle. Find someone who isn’t afraid to tell you they miss you when they actually do. Because people can tell you they ‘miss you’ cos that’s what you want to hear. Someone who knows you’re not perfect but wants to be with you anyway. Someone who says ‘I love you’ and proves it day in day out. Someone who sees you when you wake up in the morning without make-up and your hair all messy but smiles cause to them you are still beautiful.

Remember, to the people who truly love you, you are magnificent already.

2. THE RIGHT TO DECIDE YOURSELF

Don’t and I mean DON’T put the keys to your happiness, peace of mind and growth into the pockets of someone else. Relationships are not about authority and obedience; they’re agreements of respect and love. You can’t shouldn’t live your entire life through someone else’s fantasies. You should be able to do you. Give but don’t allow yourself to be used. Listen to those who love you, but DON’T lose track of your inner voice.

3. YOUR INNATE HUMAN NEEDS TO BE UNDERSTOOD

There is nothing honestly as beautiful as being understood and being able to understand someone else. Even when there are disagreements, every healthy relationship should have this mutual understanding- a loving space filled with listening and compromise.

So remember to listen without defending and speaking without offending. Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship.

4. THE FREEDOM TO LOVE

Love is the creative force of the universe. It is important in everyone’s life. When it is present in our lives, we feel happier, more optimistic and fulfilled. Without it, we are angry, cynical, resentful people; critical of others and ourselves, effectively squashing the greatness that exist within us, and diminishing our own light.

So open your heart and let love out. Love yourself. Love people. Love experiences. And let go of those people who try to stop you.

5. THE COURAGE AND WILLINGNESS TO EXPERIMENT WITH LIFE

To truly live, you must lose your fear of being wrong. You have to remember that doing something and getting it wrong, is a million times better than doing at all. Even when things seem not to work out, they do. Because in the end, experience is what you get and like the saying goes ‘experience is the best teacher’. You may not get what you wanted, but experience is the most valuable thing you can give.

So don’t be timid and squeamish about your choices. Don’t let someone scare you out of failing forward. All of life is an experiment.

6. YOUR JOY

Never let anything or anyone get in the way of your joy. Live a life that sizzles and makes you laugh out loud every day. Every day may not be beautiful but don’t let that phase you because the joy is your alive and that counts. Because you don’t want to get to the end and realize that your life is a collection of meetings and errands and receipts and empty promises.

So sing out loud in the shower *my fav time of the day*, in your car. Throw parties, hang with friends approach that chic you’re not sure off *you won’t die if she says no* tell that dude who makes u cry to sod off. Write a book, poetry or song. Just be happy and keep living and laughing and making God glad he gave life to someone who truly loves and cherishes the gift.

7. OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS INCLUDING THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH YOURSELF

If a relationship is closing you up from the world, making you feel bad about yourself; it’s time to let go. It’s time to choose love over deception. After all, that’s what love is all about – freedom.

So don’t blame love if a relationship is interfering with other important relationships, or robbing you or your self-esteem or your freedom. It isn’t love that’s stealing from you. Its possession, obsession, manipulation, and confusion. Love has nothing to do with your situation. Love doesn’t close the door on happiness and liberty, it opens it wide to let more in.

It is easier to fill the empty space within your life where someone use to be, than fill the empty space within yourself where YOU use to be.

8. YOUR INNER PEACE AND COMPOSURE

No matter how awesome you are in life, some people would still say you’re not good enough. People would still upset you, disrespect you and treat you badly. Let them be. Hatred and negativity filling your heart and mind, will only consume you and your potential. You will begin to heal and grow emotionally when you let go of these past hurts, excuse the people who have wronged you, and forgive yourself for misjudgements.

Bottom Line: learning to ignore certain people and situations is one of the great paths to inner peace. So let GO when you must. Let them be so you can have your peace of mind intact.

What else would you add to this list?  

As usual stay beautiful. xoxo :)