Broken Crayons

I don’t know about you, but I am my own worst critic. I’m usually the first to notice my short comings and I would beat myself over and over again for it.

As a child, I hated broken crayons. I just felt it was not good enough to color. But then I would see someone else pick up the same broken crayon and color with it and it would come out beautiful. What’s my point, well we humans we tend to push people who have problems away because we think they are not good enough.

Looking at myself, I am a broken crayon. But my color is still very vibrant and I’m still made with purpose. The only difference is I am not well put together and that’s ok. No one is perfect and once we learn it’s ok to not be perfect, we live and we grow.

Each of us has something different to offer the world. There is a humanity out there we are meant to ‘color’. To encourage. To serve. I believe there is a purpose for each and every one of us, and that purpose doesn't just disappear because we discover a chink in our own armor. 

Maybe, just maybe that broken piece, that cracked cistern, is what this world needs. God has a way of showing us that we aren't as ‘bad’ as we think we are and that he needs us. You may look at your friends or peeps and they are shining and their life looks perfect, just remember that they have their own problems and some may be similar to yours. Also remember that by focusing on what others have, you allow your blessings to fall short.

You don’t have what others have because it is not meant for you. At least not in the now. Life is an express lane and it’s okay to overtake.

We have trials and errors so we can have testimonies and work harder when our season comes. I don’t know about you, but I relate well to people who admit their failures than people who pretend to be perfect. The world has enough pretense already. Let’s be real and keep coloring even when we’re broken. So find a broken person today and remind them that they have something to offer the world.

And if that person happens to be you, keep coloring. The world needs you.

And together, we’ll make a masterpiece.

The Unpleasables

Forgive my absence..work has being kicking me left, right, centre.

It hurts when the realisation hits you that when it comes to certain people or a certain someone in your life, nothing and I mean absolutely nothing, zilch is ever enough. You could literally walk over hot coal, have fireworks shooting out of your ears, agree with everything that they say and they’ll do the equivalent of, ‘you missed a spot…’

Nothing is ever enough with The Unpleasables and if you try to do ‘everything’ you will only burst the hell out of your boundaries- they’re just not that special!

I know sometimes it feels like it’s the most natural thing to be a people pleaser because it’s all you know and you equate happiness and worthiness with pleasing people all of the time and associate other people’s displeasure with a sense of you being inadequate. Sometimes you have this feeling that it’s you. But the truth is:

You can’t please everyone all of the time and also these shenanigans aren’t about you, your worth or ‘inadequacies’.

The thing is Unpleasables are aware of their perennial dissatisfaction and inappropriate expectations (but they continue anyway even though they are not exactly meeting other people’s expectations including yours). Unpleasables don’t realise that the way in which they interact with people and express gratitude (that’s if they manage to) or their discontent gives the firm impression that they’re hell-bent on never being happy.

The Unpleaseables have this notion or crazy idea that ‘everyone’ is responsible for their satisfaction. See trying to please an Unpleasable is essentially like throwing all your energy into the abyss and while you break your back and all just trying to gain their attention, love and approval, you completely deplete you of everything.

What these kind of people fail to recognise is that they need to look inward and examine their own behaviour and the way in which they conduct their lives instead of blaming everyone else and trying to enforce their ‘entitlements’. 

Pleasing people all the time would cause you to do things for the wrong reason and ultimately, you’re not living your life but theirs. A person who cannot be pleased is the same person who has little gratitude for the things they have because they always focus on what they don’t have and what they don’t have is distorted anyway because they never acknowledge and appreciate what they do have and the efforts of others in the first place.

Stop trying to be perfect in the hope that they would cut you some slack- cut yourself some slack. You’re human not a machine. Even machines crash sometimes.

 This is your life and it’s time to get into the business of learning how to please you and meet your own needs. Your role in life isn’t to be an scapegoat or to be kicked to make someone else feel better about their own turmoil. So next time if it’s out of your way or it’s not something you want to do, just say NO. It’s okay to say NO sometimes.   

As always stay beautiful

Xoxo Chantel

Getting Dumped: From My Perspective

PS: It’s my view so pardon me for speaking about it only from my own perspective. So if you get confused just go back and read the title. 

Breaking up for many is a hard task. It’s hard for both parties really. The initiator and the reactor. Personally, I have been on both sides of the slate, and I would have to say it’s painful on both ends. But I must say that it totally sucks when you are the reactor because half the time, you don’t even have a clue it’s coming.

So let me explain both terms to you for better understanding. The INITIATOR and REACTOR. The two opposite poles in the breaking up process. The initiator is most commonly known as the dumper/ jerk/ asswipe/ bitch/ idiot/ gold-digger…you name it. While the reactor on the other end is the dumpee, more commonly known as the Great girl/guy that you let go off.

The reason why you decide to break up are usually varied, but essentially, could contain any or more of the following:

1. One of you cheated and got caught. (mind you cheating is cheating regardless of the type).
2. Both of you grew apart; had different goals and life expectations.
3. One of you got cold feet; wasn't ready to take it to the next level, or stay in this one.
4. One person has commitment phobia.

Now if you are the reactor/dumpee, it’s pretty hard to believe that home boy is calling it quits. It’s almost always surreal, like you are living outside of your body watching his mouth as he lets the words slip out, telling you why both of you can’t be together. Inside you are screaming, crying, railing and wrapping your fingers around his neck, trying to get him to shut up. But outside you are frozen in place, heart beating fast, hoping that in a few minutes he will break into a laugh and tell you it’s all a joke. None of these happen and eventually, and you face reality.

At this point is usually where your reaction sets in. For me, it’s usually a delayed response. I want to be dramatic and throw a fit but being the diva that I am, I simply can’t. I tend to just smile, say okay and bye. Why exit so quickly? Oh well, because if I stay one minute too late, I know like I just know I would be bawling all over his shoulder, and begging him to change his mind. And a big girl would not do that (big girls don’t cry). So I exit as gracefully as I can and take my tears to the safety of my bedroom and pillow, and I call up that dear friend who would listen to me rant. (You’re reading this and you know yourself) *wink wink*

However, if you are the initiator, it’s relatively easier but just a tad. Since you know the relationship is about to end, you would have probably spent a few days/weeks/months thinking about how you’re going to do it and what you are going to say. You've already to some extent, started the grieving process so you are now more emotionally prepared.

For pit’s sake don’t offer me the ‘let’s be friends’ line. Please don’t I DO NOT want to be your friend. If I wanted to be your friend, I wouldn't have given you my heart in the first place. Being your friend isn't a condolence prize…sorry hun you lost the relationship jackpot but let’s be friends. Grrrr!

You have just turned my world upside down in matter of minutes…nothing you say or do right then is going to make me feel any better short of you dropping dead. Also don’t try and get an emotional response from me (some guys would say ‘say something’…ermmm like what please?). If I’m not giving you any, chances are I’m holding on to my sheer force of will. So casting blame on me or trying to goad me is only going to make me snap…and oh boy you most certainly don’t want that.

My suggestion: say what you need to say and take a step quickly because darling, that way they won’t have to scrape your remains off the floor. (And the violent taketh by force) LMAO. 

As usual stay beautiful 

xoxo Chantel.

Why won't you love me baby?

Sometimes we come across people we like hoping that they would like us back. But however, this person might just be so wounded from past relationships that at the moment they are emotionally unavailable and have baggage so full it can fill an airport terminal. Even with that, we tend to think that perhaps with us it just might be different…why? Because you think you can see past their problems, and see potential in them….But hey

That’s the problem….

When someone doesn't isn't ready to be in a relationship, or they seem to have limited access to their emotions, or they seem to be terrified of intimacy to the point where they get clammy at the thought of commitment, at that point, it doesn't matter if your love is as big as an ocean or comes in a platinum case with a nice bow on it promising the sun, moon and stars or even the world. If they say they don’t want it…they just don’t want it simples. Nothing you can do about that. It doesn't matter who you are or the kind of love you offer..at that point, you could be anyone and until they resolve their issues, you will not extract a loving relationship from them. As the saying goes ‘you can drag a horse to the river, but you can’t force it to drink’

You may see past their problems and feel that you love them in spite of their baggage and may see yourself as all loving and caring and all the nice things you think you and your love can offer, but how you see you, is not how they see you.

No matter what you say or do, they perceive you, by the very fact that you’re either in a relationship with them, or hankering for one, that you want, need, or expect more than they’re prepared to be wanted, needed, and expected from.

If you've been with a Mr or Mrs unavailable, you won’t be the first person that has ever felt something for them.

Sometimes, we make the mistake of expending copious amounts of energy ‘running on the spot’ by investing ourselves and emotions into limited relationships with people that have a limited ability and capacity for love, which in turn creates a limited result.

You don’t want to be an equivalent of that pushy used car salesman that doesn't know when to back off. It doesn't translate well to relationships.

If they can’t see past their problems and insecurities, what is the point in you doing it for them? You can’t do all the loving, security, responsibility, accountability, trusting, caring, and respecting in the relationship.

They don’t have to want your love. This is not a yard sale where you think ‘it’s cheap! Someone should want it!’ ehn ehn.

The moment someone doesn't want you, you need to be asking yourself why you’re still wanting them. Period. Now don’t get me wrong, this doesn't mean you should switch off your feelings automatically but you should be coming back to earth at this point with a very loud, resounding bump.

Alarm bells should be ringing! If they’re not -my alarm bells are ringing for you!

More importantly, don’t treat your love like a hot potato that you can’t wait to offload and certainly don’t put your life on hold because you’re stuck ‘loving’ someone that doesn't love you. Their lack of interest is a red flag….Use it to extricate yourself out of what will become an even more painful situation if you don’t back off. There is better out there for you…best believe it.   

As usual stay beautiful.